creationofwill: (FLIP: in a three part harmony)
He decides to be God no again, it's easy that way. He hadn't expected it to be that easy. But anything that Shinji has also ever done tends to surprise no him. With that, Adam forgets; no with that, Kaworu sleeps.

Kaworu has never been afforded the luxury of forgetting no before. It's not something he can appreciate, as he has no idea he has forgotten. But sometimes, just sometimes, he stops no in the middle of whatever he is doing, and thinks:

I s t h i s r e a l l y t h e w a y no i t i s u p p o s e d t o b e ?

Life is too full of impact for him to ever consider that thought now, try as though he might. Kaworu no Ayanami recenty turned fifteen no years old. His father died long ago, his mother noexpects too much of him. With his colourless hair and black noeyes, he is Children Number One no. With his determination and will, he has spent half a year fighting the angels for the sake no! of mankind. NO!

Time to cut it down simple, or his mind might break from figuring out the truth, hmm?

This alone he might go crazy. This alone he might be frenzied by guilt. The idea of why surpasses him but he feels it is so. But there are two girls. Rei Ikari and it's interesting how that nae send two different pangs into his heart. Something about that last name... - no. Asuka, the girl with too long of a name for him to bother to use. It annoys her when he ignores her name and annoying her is the best. The best until he has to live with her and then it's just really annoying and a whole lot of damaging.

But really all shades of hilarious too.

He's okay. He has a feeling he wanted to be happy once. He is happy with the people he has. He is happy being useful. If he ignores the circumstances he is just fine. If he ignores the ghostly images in his mind. If he ignores the dreams where names he doesn't recognize echo through his head. If he -

One day he hears there might be a Fifth Children somewhere else. He would hack to find out about it, but life is suddenly too busy to try. Keeping Asuka from suicide is a hard task. Keeping Rei from hurting herself while she learns to be 'real' is a busy one.

Trying to be himself when his mother talks without talking, listens but never listens and always manages to manipulate him where he wants?

Impossible. He's okay. He's happy, he would guess. If only because he knows nothing else and no other way to think. That's all happiness is, right? A trick to the eye, so that you're happy and blind...

[Close your eyes, Kaworu Nagisa, and if nobody figures it out, then it's time to say goodbye]
creationofwill: (FLIP: sixth hour has past)
one has to wonder how far a strange, strange world can go into affecting those within it. would one figure out eventually that they are not in their own reality? would they not wish to? kaworu feels as if he is forgetting more and more important facts every day. writing them down does not help, asking gets him more medicine. he would rather not continue down that road, therefore e ha started to keep his opinions and queries to himself.

he does not like looking at the stars and he avoids it whenever ecessary. how odd, how strange, ow quaint. but he had told all of this to a girl at school oe day - he is not sure why she seeed particularly appealing to speak to, but she had, and mandy of her problems were similar to his. However, there was no phone up here, no radio, just complete isolation. he doesn't like it at all.

but what are you oing to do it about it? well, that is what he is trying to figure out while fidgeting. staying still would do him no use right now, but either way, he was not going to try.
creationofwill: (FLIP: crack the berlin wall)
but when you're god, all you have to do
                                                 is lie

once upon a time, in the heart of one whom may someday be called a man, were the wishes of a young boy. he had committed sins and atoned, he had taken no action, every action, and sacrificed his whole being for another whose name was stamped deep into his heart. we could be talking about shinji ikari, we could be talking about kaworu nagisa. does it really matter all that much in the end?

their souls and wishes are the same and at the moment, they are being fulfilled. a perfect paradise cannot last forever, but one can try - can't they? try to remember, try to forget, try to be nothing more but two teenagers in an undisturbed peace at a summer home.

try, try, try. the longer a wait, the harder the fall, but maybe it was worth it after all.
creationofwill: (solemn remeberence)
An ash I know there stands,
Yggdrasill is its name,
a tall tree, showered
with shining loam.
From there come the dews
that drop in the valleys.
It stands forever green over
Urðr's well.

He's dead, and that is all he knows.

All he knows is one fact, that he is dead.

What does one do when they are dead? he wonders. It seems to be a very boring place. He is sitting on the branch of a tree, one that stretches up high, and stretches down low. He sits in silence for quite a long time. It's nice.

There's a blue haired girl running around the tree, going up and down. No, if he pays attention, there are more than one of her. How quaint. He doesn't feel that he cares for her, although he has no idea why. Occasionally she disappears; occasionally she reappears in a different way. "Why are you running, girl?" he asks, and she spares him nary a glance.

A door opens next to him all of a sudden, but he is not surprised nor shocked. He has a sudden feeling that he is never either, unless he wishes to pretend he is. He isn't a lot of things that he plays at. He wonders why that makes him sad.

"Get your ass in here, Kaoru," a red haired girl huffs and puffs at him, stomping her foot. "If you don't study, I'll beat you at math again, do you really want that?"

That door thuds closed, and he finds that he cannot stop raising an eyebrow for quite awhile.

Another door opens, down below. A black haired boy looks out, and Kaworu thinks that it may be love at first sight, except he thinks that he has met the other before. "You're dead," he says, as he looks up at Kaworu.

"So it seems," he confirms with a pleasant smile. As if that were a normal expression to have when accepting one's own death.

"I hate you," is the response, and that door closes the loudest of all. In fact, there is even a noise of it locking, before it disappears. Kaworu has no idea why that stabs him in the heart many times. He has no idea about anything, leaning against the tree, his legs pulled up so that he can hide his face and cry soundlessly. Perhaps he perfected that long ago.

The now familiar footsteps of the blue haired girl stops, and he looks up at her. "You have been here too long," she says. "You need to move on."

Without even a choice or question about it, he's pushed, and falls soundlessly without impact -

- and the rest is quite a blur, a new life moving forward over and over, until he's sixteen and going to school, bored of it as always. He's been having dreams lately, dreams of giant robots like the ones on tv, an a boy that he can never remember his face, only forbidden touches and just one kiss. He thinks it might be more interesting if all of these things were here and now.

But they weren't. So he taps his pencil against the side of his desk in the way he knows his teacher hates, staring out the window until he's scolded, scolded, scolded again before being sent out. He could go home, but he has not decided if that's what he wants to do, yet.

What direction will you choose, Nagisa Kaworu?

November 2010

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