natus de adamo

Kaworu's room is not too large, nor is it filled with very much. You could label it spartan, but it is more that he doesn't want to ask the bar for meaningless things.

Despite the small size, there is a teeny tiny hallway leading from the door to wall across from it, an a falsified door-frame into the rest of the room. There is carpet. Put against that wall is a desk. Shoes get left wherever, dirty clothes get left wherever. 'Folded and underneath the bed' is where the clean clothes go, because the closet is being used for his instruments.

He currently possessed six:
Acoustic:
*Viola
*Violin
Electric:
*Practice
*Performance
*Performance

There is a keyboard leaning against the wall next to the closet. Curiously, there is no music stand or composition books. There is, however, many papers taped to the walls all around, with existing songs reproduced from memory on the pages. Beethoven's ninth symphony is missing the fourth movement.

The bed is a good bed, has four pillows with a sheet, blanket, then comforter. It gets cold on the moon, he is used to being prepared.

There is a small stack of books on the desk, turned so that the spines face the wall.

He decides to be God no again, it's easy that way. He hadn't expected it to be that easy. But anything that Shinji has also ever done tends to surprise no him. With that, Adam forgets; no with that, Kaworu sleeps.

Kaworu has never been afforded the luxury of forgetting no before. It's not something he can appreciate, as he has no idea he has forgotten. But sometimes, just sometimes, he stops no in the middle of whatever he is doing, and thinks:

I s t h i s r e a l l y t h e w a y no i t i s u p p o s e d t o b e ?

Life is too full of impact for him to ever consider that thought now, try as though he might. Kaworu no Ayanami recenty turned fifteen no years old. His father died long ago, his mother noexpects too much of him. With his colourless hair and black noeyes, he is Children Number One no. With his determination and will, he has spent half a year fighting the angels for the sake no! of mankind. NO!

Time to cut it down simple, or his mind might break from figuring out the truth, hmm?

This alone he might go crazy. This alone he might be frenzied by guilt. The idea of why surpasses him but he feels it is so. But there are two girls. Rei Ikari and it's interesting how that nae send two different pangs into his heart. Something about that last name... - no. Asuka, the girl with too long of a name for him to bother to use. It annoys her when he ignores her name and annoying her is the best. The best until he has to live with her and then it's just really annoying and a whole lot of damaging.

But really all shades of hilarious too.

He's okay. He has a feeling he wanted to be happy once. He is happy with the people he has. He is happy being useful. If he ignores the circumstances he is just fine. If he ignores the ghostly images in his mind. If he ignores the dreams where names he doesn't recognize echo through his head. If he -

One day he hears there might be a Fifth Children somewhere else. He would hack to find out about it, but life is suddenly too busy to try. Keeping Asuka from suicide is a hard task. Keeping Rei from hurting herself while she learns to be 'real' is a busy one.

Trying to be himself when his mother talks without talking, listens but never listens and always manages to manipulate him where he wants?

Impossible. He's okay. He's happy, he would guess. If only because he knows nothing else and no other way to think. That's all happiness is, right? A trick to the eye, so that you're happy and blind...

[Close your eyes, Kaworu Nagisa, and if nobody figures it out, then it's time to say goodbye]

one has to wonder how far a strange, strange world can go into affecting those within it. would one figure out eventually that they are not in their own reality? would they not wish to? kaworu feels as if he is forgetting more and more important facts every day. writing them down does not help, asking gets him more medicine. he would rather not continue down that road, therefore e ha started to keep his opinions and queries to himself.

he does not like looking at the stars and he avoids it whenever ecessary. how odd, how strange, ow quaint. but he had told all of this to a girl at school oe day - he is not sure why she seeed particularly appealing to speak to, but she had, and mandy of her problems were similar to his. However, there was no phone up here, no radio, just complete isolation. he doesn't like it at all.

but what are you oing to do it about it? well, that is what he is trying to figure out while fidgeting. staying still would do him no use right now, but either way, he was not going to try.

Kaworu is feeling almost better from the last bout of being sick. He is seriously considering his medication at this point - it's not as if it affects him either way, but it's sure as hell affecting Akito and Yoite. Why he still can't understand why anyone would hold even a thought, let alone affection for him, he's never questioned it. That would be really stupid.

He's still too weak to even imagine the idea of going downstairs to order it, so he'll wait until tomorrow. After all, nobody knew he was supposed to still be taking them. He can just pretend that he was put back on the pills and injection.

Kaworu is laying on his bed reading, but he really has no idea what. He's more busy keeping an out to see if Yoite manifests today. He likes his days best when Yoite does. Of course, somehow he manages to fall asleep doing this - apparently not reading a book is tiring - but Kaworu will wake up when he needs to. He has faith in this!

Kaworu is aware of the feel of life, but he does not open his eyes because of it. He is aware of the familiar smells, antiseptic and and disinfectants. He is aware of his own breathing, which he keeps slow and low, in case this is a place that is not friendly to Tabris. (All places are friendly to Kaworu Nagisa. That was just the way things worked.)

He has a feeling he ought to be dead. He's unsure of why - if he tries to catch the memories, they flow through his fingers like sand, little hints and clues that could never be puzzled out in such a way. All Kaworu remembers last is the First being reported as alive again. Hah, maybe NERV was in the practice of killing off excess Childrens.

Well, you won't learn anything if you don't go back to the world, will you?

Honestly, why did they all need an incessant voice at the back of their head, telling them what it thinks they should do? But he expels his air normally now, opens his eyes. He has no idea what he will find, but at least Kaworu can take comfort in the fact that it will be interesting.

An ash I know there stands,

Yggdrasill is its name,

a tall tree, showered

with shining loam.

From there come the dews

that drop in the valleys.

It stands forever green over

Urðr's well.

He's dead, and that is all he knows.

All he knows is one fact, that he is dead.

What does one do when they are dead? he wonders. It seems to be a very boring place. He is sitting on the branch of a tree, one that stretches up high, and stretches down low. He sits in silence for quite a long time. It's nice.

There's a blue haired girl running around the tree, going up and down. No, if he pays attention, there are more than one of her. How quaint. He doesn't feel that he cares for her, although he has no idea why. Occasionally she disappears; occasionally she reappears in a different way. "Why are you running, girl?" he asks, and she spares him nary a glance.

A door opens next to him all of a sudden, but he is not surprised nor shocked. He has a sudden feeling that he is never either, unless he wishes to pretend he is. He isn't a lot of things that he plays at. He wonders why that makes him sad.

"Get your ass in here, Kaoru," a red haired girl huffs and puffs at him, stomping her foot. "If you don't study, I'll beat you at math again, do you really want that?"

That door thuds closed, and he finds that he cannot stop raising an eyebrow for quite awhile.

Another door opens, down below. A black haired boy looks out, and Kaworu thinks that it may be love at first sight, except he thinks that he has met the other before. "You're dead," he says, as he looks up at Kaworu.

"So it seems," he confirms with a pleasant smile. As if that were a normal expression to have when accepting one's own death.

"I hate you," is the response, and that door closes the loudest of all. In fact, there is even a noise of it locking, before it disappears. Kaworu has no idea why that stabs him in the heart many times. He has no idea about anything, leaning against the tree, his legs pulled up so that he can hide his face and cry soundlessly. Perhaps he perfected that long ago.

The now familiar footsteps of the blue haired girl stops, and he looks up at her. "You have been here too long," she says. "You need to move on."

Without even a choice or question about it, he's pushed, and falls soundlessly without impact -

- and the rest is quite a blur, a new life moving forward over and over, until he's sixteen and going to school, bored of it as always. He's been having dreams lately, dreams of giant robots like the ones on tv, an a boy that he can never remember his face, only forbidden touches and just one kiss. He thinks it might be more interesting if all of these things were here and now.

But they weren't. So he taps his pencil against the side of his desk in the way he knows his teacher hates, staring out the window until he's scolded, scolded, scolded again before being sent out. He could go home, but he has not decided if that's what he wants to do, yet.

What direction will you choose, Nagisa Kaworu?