(no subject)

[creationofwill]

Kaworu is feeling almost better from the last bout of being sick. He is seriously considering his medication at this point - it's not as if it affects him either way, but it's sure as hell affecting Akito and Yoite. Why he still can't understand why anyone would hold even a thought, let alone affection for him, he's never questioned it. That would be really stupid.

He's still too weak to even imagine the idea of going downstairs to order it, so he'll wait until tomorrow. After all, nobody knew he was supposed to still be taking them. He can just pretend that he was put back on the pills and injection.

Kaworu is laying on his bed reading, but he really has no idea what. He's more busy keeping an out to see if Yoite manifests today. He likes his days best when Yoite does. Of course, somehow he manages to fall asleep doing this - apparently not reading a book is tiring - but Kaworu will wake up when he needs to. He has faith in this!

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[truthlike.livejournal.com]

"Sometimes, people think that. But sometimes people aren't right, when they think."

[creationofwill]

Kaworu laughs at that, the sound dark and low. "Who do you think is good?"

[truthlike.livejournal.com]

"Miharu and Kaworu and Yukimi are good." He's genuine.

[creationofwill]

"Tell me what Kaworu has done. Tell me what Yoite has done."

[truthlike.livejournal.com]

"Kaworu has held me and looked well on people who haven't deserved it, and has shown me regret for very sad things."

And that's how he sees it, too.

"Yoite has murdered and lied."

[creationofwill]

"Kaworu has murdered and lied," this angel counters. "While Yoite has held me as well, forgiven those that others would murder in your name, and both regretted what you have done but also what you have been around, as if by being there, you could simply stop it."

Kaworu exhales. "We could argue about this all night. But in the end, perhaps each of us is meant to be the other's atonement.

[truthlike.livejournal.com]

Suddenly, there's guilt. Yoite lowers his eyes, fiddles with his hands. "I was going to skip it. Atonement. Miharu was going to make me go away. Then I wouldn't experience any more of anything." Slowly, he raises his head so that he's looking at Kaworu's face.

"I just wanted to stop hurting. Is that very wrong? I was selfish. I hurt Miharu. I burdened Yukimi. Now, neither of them must know that I ever existed, if Miharu truly used his power for me. And he would have, I think, because he is kind and true."

He's crying again.

"And you are kind and true, so I will also hurt you, won't I?"

[creationofwill]

"I don't understand. You've never seen me around other people. Yoite, I didn't want to tell you this, but I am a monster. When Kaworu Nagisa had become eight, he destroyed 15 people. His sister destroyed ten.

All I am is a facade. If I changed myself, I don't know what you would think. I have many names and while I share the memories of KZero-zero, he is only another identity added to the selfishness of Adam. I destroyed mankind's only chance to be truly happy, what do you think about that?"

It's the flat voice now, the one that acts as if it doesn't care. Flat flat the only thing to care about in this moment was Yoite.

[truthlike.livejournal.com]

Yoite reaches out, but so carefully; not as if he'll burn himself, but Kaworu. "I don't really care about mankind. Just if Kaworu's happy. That's all." Everything else? It doesn't need to be acknowledged. It's done now. Yoite's tone implies this.

[creationofwill]

Kaworu catches Yoite's hand in his, kissing the palm over and over, as if it's a salve. Then he does the same to Yoite's lips, as if this is life, as if it were oxygen. "Mankind is dirty and mean, but it gave me Yoite, so I am grateful. But are...you happy?"

[truthlike.livejournal.com]

"Ah," and it's so good to breathe, to feel lips, "I shouldn't ask for things." This, of course, implies that he wants to. "Kaworu is against me and I can feel things. Why should I ask...?"

[creationofwill]

"You should ask," he says, "Because Kaworu wants you to."

[truthlike.livejournal.com]

"...Someone opened me up, Kaworu. Someone made me feel things, and live to have memories, when at first I didn't want them. Someone did that for me."

[creationofwill]

"That is a good thing. If this helped Yoite be who he is today, that is a good thing."

He has never been good at sensing what others are getting at.

[truthlike.livejournal.com]

"He was holding me when I died. When I became nothing, and then how you knew me. His arms were around me." Deep breath. "Thin arms. He's a small person. Very small..." His eyes open up but he can't look at Kaworu's face. "I haven't seen that person in a long time."

[creationofwill]

"Then I'll find him for you," Kaworu says. "Some way, some how, I will do this."

It would become the most essential thing until finished.

"What will you wish me to do after I have brought him for you?"

[truthlike.livejournal.com]

"It might be hard to find him, if he doesn't want to be found." Don't count on it, he means.

[creationofwill]

"I find everyone," Kaworu says, quite simply. "Don't worry about the maybes and mights."

[truthlike.livejournal.com]

"But I worry."

[creationofwill]

"Yeah?" Kaworu studies the wall, it is very different than any other wall he might have seen,

[truthlike.livejournal.com]

"If you do find him- I wonder what he would do. Meeting you."

[creationofwill]

"I have to wonder what I would do.

Meeting him."

Kaworu exhales, but does not glance away. For the first time in a very long time, those eyes are green.

"Will I be alone, then? Again?"

[truthlike.livejournal.com]

"Kaworu. Why would you be?" He's sincere.

[creationofwill]

The idea makes Kaworu move even closer; pullon fabric to get there, push his legs between Yoite's so that it's hard to get rid of him. "I've lived a long time, Yoite." hr's silent for the span of two minutes. "....13.8 billion years, to be precise."

Oddly, somehow, he trusts not to have a negative reaction to this. When did he - start trusting someone, anyone? Other than Rei, of course.

"I've... forgotten many things. But many are there, still, today. The first... the very first ancestor of mankind crawling out of the LCL. " Crucifying Lilith. "What they liked to serve at lunch in Pompeii..." Some made it away from the lava. Some. But you could say they left their souls behind.

"I'm not human but I wish I was. All I can do is watch from the outside. Always there."

[truthlike.livejournal.com]

"...It's a long time." No, Yoite doesn't have a negative reaction. Nor a positive one. It's something to acknowledge, and something that makes Kaworu, Kaworu. "And it's a lot of things to remember. I could never remember so much. See so much. This is because I am human."